I hate to say this, but I think you're headed for a train wreck. Intimacy in a marriage isn't about feeling like it or having a drive. It's the place where two partners connect emotionally. Each time a couple makes love (and I'm distinguishing that from "disconnected" sex), it's a renewal of their marriage vows. When that stops happening, it puts an enormous strain on a marriage.

For some reason, we've come to believe that, when it comes to sharing intimacy, we've got to "feel" like it. We don't usually think of things like feeding the kids, going to work or taking out the garbage as things we have to "feel" like doing. But we've made this very important part of a marriage "optional". Hard to figure.

To be constructive, though: Do you show your husband how much you love him and how much he means to you in other ways? What do you do to affirm him and his feelings of self-worth? What do you do to show him that your marriage to him is the most important thing in your life? If those areas are covered, you're probably OK. But if he's begging and you're turning him down, I'd suspect that something very important is missing for him. Would you feel comfortable allowing him to get his needs met outside your marriage?

On the other side: Why is your self-esteem so low? What does he do to show you that you're the most important and most wonderful person in the world for him? If the answer is "not much", then it may be time for a serious talk.

I think your situation is a lot more hopeful than many of the others we see here on this group. Your problem seems to be primarily cause by both your and your husband's reactions to you medical condition. That means your foundation is probably a lot stronger than what you'd expect in a marriage where the loss of intimacy is due to "drifting apart". Talking that out and finding ways to continue to share intimacy and affirmation that meet both of your needs should be doable.

You are absolutely right. But I want my feelings to be true. I don't lie and it is so hard to just fake things just for the sake of making him feel good, and no he never compliments me I can never do anything good enough, I have become a little overweight since I became sick. I think that plays a big part in all this. I know I am not normal, Sex just grosses me out now, if I could live without it the rest of my life I would. I know it's not fare to him though, and no I would not allow him to go outside of our marriage.

Lovemaking isn't only about sexual feelings. It's the way we express our feelings (period) for our partner. It's as essential to a marriage as food to an individual. When a person says "I have no sexual feelings for my spouse", to me that means the same as "I have so much resentment and hostility towards my spouse that I can't bear the thought of touching him, and the last thing in the world I'd want to do is to make him feel good, or make myself so vulnerable to him that he could make me feel good..."

But the layers of the onion are peeling back. When I hear "he never compliments me, I can never do anything good enough", it sounds like he's given you good basis for the kind of resentment and hostility I was talking about in the previous paragraph.

Have you asked yourself why you believe you still love someone who makes you feel unattractive and who gives you nothing but criticism? Sometimes I don't know what people mean by the word "love". It doesn't sound like you love the way he treats you - and you can't bring yourself to make love to someone towards whom you have so much unresolved anger.

This pattern becomes a vicious cycle, where each of you express increasing anger via criticism and rejection.

I wish I had good advice to give. Like most of us here, I'm getting better at understanding the dynamics of this sort of thing, but am miles away from a solution. It sounds like both you and your husband might benefit from counseling to

defuse the pathological interaction cycle. It might help if you were to start calmly pointing it out to him when he's criticizing you, and asking him if he thinks he's expressing himself in the most constructive way. I haven't actually seen this work, but maybe it's worth a shot.

Just out of left field..your not taking anti-depressants are you, as they are a sure thing to make your sex drive disappear..For a women to re-train their brain to feel sexy you have to make an effort...value yourself, dress well, smell good, watch and read sexy stories, abandon your inhibitions, you sound smart, so lose some weight, find the goddess that is within yourself, and when you look in the mirror tell yourself you look good, be positive, your man seems patient, and how sad that he should have to beg you for what is the glue in a relationship the intimacy of showing you care...Now is the time to get your act together before its too late.

Hi, yes I do take anti-dandepressants, along with other meds. To be completely honest. At the risk of be critisized this is my forth husband. The first one cheated, on me and the next two abused me the last one very seriously. My husband and I have been together for nine years but right when we got married is when I was dx with MS and everything messed up. I gained alot of weight, stop wearing makeup, dressing nice just basically feeling good about myself. It's really hard to get that back. Many , many years ago was between 17 and 20 I won 22 beauty pagents (locally of course) so it's not always been this way. I got my second degree black belt way back then. Once I started getting beat on and (fighting back only made it worse)I lost everything inside of me and I think the hate i feel for myself for letting someone take that all away has always stuck with me. I have been through hell in my life, things I cant even begin to tell you cause it's just too much. So to answer you question yes i do take anti-depressants.