hopelessromantic - I understand the frustration and pain that can hang over a relationship because of this problem. I have been there and am here to tell you that it is possible to be free from the ghosts of the past. It takes a lot of emotional work and mostly a determination and willingness to be free from the pain. There are tools out there.

For me, the darkness led me to the end of my resistance. It had to get really bad before I was ready to change and heal. I was graced with a desperation that I believe came from the same place that I got the strength to survive the original traumas. From that hopelessness and desperation has come willingness. Her path is one that she will have to determine. If you try to control it her survival instinct might kick in and cause resistance. I can't speak to couples recovering together - that wasn't my story. I am now able to be sexual without the past constantly haunting me. It has taken 12 years of work. My thoughts are with you both.

Me

My sweetheart is in therapy now but because I dont pry I dont know whats going on

measmyself - thank you so much for sharing your experience and wisdom with me. I try everyday to be positive and hopeful, but as I try to be patient and understanding time is taking its toll on me. I am not sure if I am strong enough to love someone who has such a difficult time loving me back.

You have my profound sympathy. You are in a difficult situation. I am here to tell you though that many people (men and women) who have been sexually abused do overcome it and go on to have a sexually fulfilling life. It's not the FACT of the abuse that causes emotional crippling, but what the person tells herself about the event(s).

If s/he says it was her fault, that her whole worth is in her body, that she is damaged goods, etc. she will remain victimized. If s/he tells herself that it's in the past, the person now in her life is not the perpetrator, that she can overcome this trauma, etc. she will survive and thrive.

hopelessromantic

Your patience will be rewarded if only by helping you to let go of the outcome of this part of your life.

I remember the struggle for power in my marriage and the fear of losing control. My ex was a controlling person which triggered a very negative response in me. My fear prevented me from dealing with it directly for many years. I had the ability to leave the relationship in my head long before I showed outward signs. I learned to do it when I was abused and perfected it over the years to attempt a feeling of safety. For many years I would wander away in my thinking so that I could tolerate sex with my husband. I could say no but I paid the price with fear of abandonment, guilt , shame... Looking back I see that I was never really able to say no and feel safe inside of me. Because I could never say no (without a problem) I could never really say yes. It still was't a choice in my mind and therefore I couldn't feel free. If my safety came from outside of me it would always be precarious. I had to let go of my external safety (emotionally) to feel like I had the freedom to make choices. I have the right to choose without negative talk from others or in my head to myself. My feelings of safety get challenged still today when I connect sexually. Old behaviors die hard.

I can say no today (I practice) and that allows me to be able to say yes when it is right for me. I am able to be kind, respectful and even funny. Humor definately helps.

How do I cope? Well, gentleness creates a sense of trust and that is what was lost originally. I am thoughtful and I think that helps engender feeling of being cared for. I am complimentary and that softens the wound of low self esteem both her mother and father inflicted.

It has been since 1985 that I have lived your life. The nights of going to bed in quiet sadness, without her knowing, are enumerated only in my heart.

I can count on one hand the times when she initiated. Never, in twenty-two years, has she ever been able to ...well only I have ...well I can't even say it.

I wish it were different. I have never ever spoken of this and am pleased someone like you commenced the conversation.

I am happy but it does not get any easier. Truth be known I could go every day. I still am affected by her presence.

It surely is a lonely and painful existence that I will never let her experience or know of.

Still..it has helped to finally say something even though we are all unknown to one another.

I suppose the years have taught me that being a man will never be easy. Being a good man comes with pain and not being swayed by others. But I am surely rich, beyond measure, for I have a good wife.

Sam, thank you, thank you, thank you. Just knowing I am not alone in this experience is comforting beyond measure. To love someone so much, to stand by them when day after day for years we are not receiving from them what we need and desire. This has got to take great men. You are a great man, in every sense of the word. I try to look for the ways in which she does love me, not the ways she doesn't, somehow this gets me through. I too have a great wife.