I would not agree that withholding sex is akin to prostitution, but I do think that in most states "irreconcilable differences" are ground for divorce. Sounds like you and your ex had some of those.

Please explain to me/us how withholding sex from your committed partner is not akin to prostitution?

I'd luv to hear your husbands view on it.

If sex, and activities associated with sex, are a fundamentally important part of your relationship, then yes. A total withdrawal of sex would be the elimination of a crucial component of the marriage. This could be true, particularly if you both agreed at the outset, that sexuality was a crucial reason for you getting, and staying together in the first place.

That is the 'crux' of the issue. Isn't sex assummed to be part of marriage? Who sits down 'at the outset' to agree on the reasons and conditions of a marriage?

As I've said elsewhere, marriage is the only contract I know of that isn't written up - and no I do NOT want lawyers involved, thank-you.

OK HIp, I'll try.

First a full disclosure. You've said several times that you don't want the lawyers involved. Before retiring 18 months ago I was a partner in a small law firm. We specialized in labor law, not family law, but I thought I should mention that. I try not to live up (down?) to the stereotype of lawyers, but sometimes I fail at that attempt.

In my mind in a marriage when people get angry or hurt, they withhold love, affection, cleaning the toilet, taking out the garbage, sex, cleaning the gutters, shoveling the driveway, and a myriad of other things. I don't condone this kind of behavior, but it seems to happen in a lot relationships. It is generally a symptom that something is wrong in the relationship, but does not equal prostitution.

Again, I want to be clear that I don't think withholding anything is a good substitute for having a direct conversation and engaging in a little creative problem solving. I just don't think I'd call it prostitution.

Smart people who go to pre-marital counseling do set down some conditions and agreements about their marriage. The problem is that the couple is generally "head over heels" in love and want sex every minute. They can't conceptualize that there will come a time when one might want sex more or less than the other. If you do a tbd search on desire difference you'll find that this is a huge topic on this site. Many couples seem to suffer from it and have solved the problem with varying degrees of success. The key, though, is to negotiate an agreement that works for both members of the couple. We've seen a variety of posts from people who are OK with their solutions and they vary widely. So yes, this is a contract that require renegotiation regularly. That's because in addition to a legal agreement, marriage is an emotional state, and involves the feelings,needs, and desires of at least 2 people.

To clarify, I'm not talking about sleeping on the couch one night you have an arguement. More along the lines of 'He won't give up X or get me Y, so he's not gonna touch me until he does'.

I guess technically it'd be 'reverse-prostitution'.