Posted: Sep 30, 08 9:06pm

So I've been to bed a few times already tonight and I can't seem to turn off my mind enough to drift off.

I keep thinking back to 18 years ago tonight.... laying in a hospital bed... knowing I was going to be induced the next morning... and that everything was in place for my baby girl.

No, I hadn't bought a crib or diapers, no painting of a nursery or collection of toys, no showers or shopping for cute little outfits... the "everything" that was in place was a loving family with a 5 year old sister.

Her birth was relatively easy and fast for a firstborn. My labour coach and I breathed through the contractions but I remember fighting back... not wanting to let her out of me. Where she was in my belly was just fine... I could protect her there.

Finally, my body and her spirit won and out she came.

Jamie.

My daughter.

I held her and looked in awe at her perfectness. My breasts ached to feed her but they recommended I not. I was so happy.... and so was she.

Thankfully my doctor was very understanding and allowed me to stay in the hospital with her for 4 nights. I got to feed her, change her, bathe her and get to know her before I had to say goodbye.

I hadn't yet met the family that I chose for her, but I had that opportunity when Jamie was just 2 days old. The caseworker tried to stop me from going to get Jamie and lay her in her mothers arms, but I had to see her with her family.

I watched as her mother and father felt instant love for this little girl that I chose to give them. It was pure magic.

We spent a few hours together and took pictures that I've treasured since that day.

The day finally came when I had to leave the hospital and say goodbye to Jamie. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and as I write this my heart aches and the tears flow as strongly as they did that day.

October 1, 1990.

October 1, 2008.

She is now 18 years old. A woman. Able to search and find me if she so chooses.

I'm hopeful and I'm scared. I will not pressure her. My contact information is on every possible website, in every possible agency for her to find if she wishes.

I have never regretted the decision I made for her. Never. I won't deny that there have been a lot.... and I mean A LOT... of days when I've cried, and dreamed, and cried some more.

I did not give up my daughter for adoption. I CHOSE adoption for her.

Thank you for allowing me to share this... it's now 12:05AM my time.... officially her birthday.... and I am off to bed to hold the teddybear that I have from her birth... and to look at the locket her parents sent me with her picture in it.... and dream of the woman she is today.