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The National Zoo announced today that giant panda mating season is upon us. Whoop-dee-doo. This most over-hyped of animals comes with, no surprise, a supremely complicated mating process. At least a dozen scientists, keepers, curators, and specialists work tirelessly this time of year to facilitate the unsexy business of panda sex between the zoo's bears, Mei Xiang and Tian Tian. The List hopes that exposing the public to the process will discourage the cult of panda worship that blights the nation’s capital.

1. Try to whip Tian Tian into shape

   For months, keepers try to strengthen Tian Tian’s leg muscles by making him stand on his hind legs for treats.

2. Teach Mei Xiang to lie across a log

   “To improve her breeding positioning.”

3. Listen for Mei Xiang to make weird sounds

   Two weeks ago, she exhibits the distinctive vocals that come with the mating season.

4. Check her pee

   Testing hormone levels shows when the bear is fertile. Female giant pandas have a window of less than two days a year to conceive, so fertility prediction is key.

5. Fly in help from abroad

   Per the zoo’s agreement with China, experts from the China Conservation and Research Center for the Giant Panda must be involved in the baby-making. The center’s chief veterinarian, Tang Chunxiang, makes the hike from Wolong to play a role in this circus.

6. Set the mood in the panda house

   The automatic lighting and noise reduction aren’t meant to foster romance but to create a stress-free environment for Mei Xiang. “We’re trying to create the most natural setting,” zoo spokesperson Karin Korpowski explains. The bears aren’t even together.

7. Watch the pandas fail to mate

   Despite everyone’s best efforts, Mei Xiang and Tian Tian fail to make magic. “They just don’t have it down,” says Korpowski. “He’s coming at her from the side. She’s laying down flat. They just don’t know how to get part A with part B.”

8. Break out the frozen sperm

   Collected and frozen in 2005, Tian Tian’s sperm is used for two artificial insemination procedures on Jan. 29 and 30. Officials say the procedures went very well.

9. Hope for the best

   In a few months, keepers will start monitoring Mei Xiang’s hormones for signs of pregnancy, though there’s no way to know for sure if she’s pregnant until a baby is actually born because hormone levels are the same for a real or pseudo pregnancy. Ultrasounds are also inconclusive. This means that baby watch will continue anywhere from 90 to 195 days, upon which Washingtonians can cease concerning themselves with the procreation of large, listless bears.